If someone tells you that you hurt them…
There is a “meme” going around social media that I have seen of late that I want to talk a little bit about. It says “If someone tells you that you hurt them, you don’t get to decide that you didn’t.” I believe it originated with comedian Louis C.K. Something struck me as wrong as soon as I saw this but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it.
I understand the point that is trying to be made; that if you did something, even carelessly, without intent to do harm, but that action, did in fact, cause someone harm, then you cannot brush off responsibility for your action. Fair enough. But there is more to it.
There is more to it because, first, sometimes when people tell you that you hurt them, they are mistaken. They might not have the full picture. They may be making assumptions about you that are based on wrong information. They may be thinking that you hurt them in your thoughtlessness when you didn’t do what they think you did etc.
Secondly, people have gotten it into their heads that if they are offended in some way, then it is the fault of the person who offended them and that person is in the wrong. Sorry, but it doesn’t work that way all of the time. Sometimes people are just overly sensitive and take offense at many, many things which they really should not.
Sometimes people take offence simply because someone pointed out that they themselves are in the wrong. Jesus frequently said and did things which upset people and today some would say that he “hurt” them. For instance, in his conversation with the rich young man in Matthew 19:16-24. I am quite sure that the young man’s feelings were hurt. Sorry, but if the truth “hurts” you then you don’t get to decide that the person who delivered the truth is in the wrong. If you are in the wrong and someone tells you that and it hurts… you are still in the wrong.
“But they still hurt me.” You may be thinking. No, actually, they did not. You hurt yourself. You hurt yourself first by being in the wrong and second, by taking offense at the truth. Yes, sometimes people can deliver the truth in mean, unloving ways, and this is wrong. The truth should be delivered in love, but it still should be delivered. In fact, if someone tells you that you are in the wrong (assuming they are correct) then they actually do love you. They love you enough to risk you being angry with them in order to help you fix what is wrong in your life.
I hope that I have not offended you with this article. If I have, I am sorry. But also, you might want to examine why it offended you.